


Karkat Vantas and the Opening of Perpetual Shame

by CrypticLinguist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Timeline, Crossover, Gen, Hogwartsstuck, I Bet You're Excited, I'm Coining That, Trolls At Hogwarts, What An Original Concept
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-08
Updated: 2014-08-08
Packaged: 2018-02-12 07:03:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2100075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrypticLinguist/pseuds/CrypticLinguist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A mysterious letter had been forwarded to Terezi from one Rose Lalonde, beckoning the trolls to a mysterious world called Hogwarts.<br/>What could possibly happen next?<br/>Rest assured that nothing but shenanigans will ensue.</p><p>CG: OH GOD.<br/>CG: DID I JUST READ THAT?<br/>CG: JESUS F*CKING CHRIST WE ARE IN FOR THE LONG HAUL.<br/>CG: BRACE YOURSELVES PEOPLE WE'RE GOING INTO WHAT I LIKE TO CALL THE ABOMINABLE VACUUM OF APPALLING HUMAN INCOMPETENCE<br/>CG: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR GALOSHES<br/>CG: BECAUSE HERE WE GO.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Karkat Vantas and the Opening of Perpetual Shame

It's the sort of really pissy day that can only be accurately expressed through a series of barely comprehensible groans and sighs emitting from the depths of the why do I even care sphincter. Your name is Karkat Vantas. Everybody has been non-stop crazy all day, obsessing over silly make believe games and conspiracies. You though they couldn't get any crazier, but no, being on this f*cking meteor warped a few more think pans then you would have guessed. You are sitting at your computer, staring at the memo board, wondering exactly what the hell is going on. You come to the rather startling conclusion that everybody had gone insane, and that coming from the troll who had spent the entirety of their session arguing with himself over Trollian. There is only one person you can think of to consult on such a matter. 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxilliatrix [GA] --

CG: KANAYA.  
CG: WHAT'S GOING ON.  
CG: I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE ONE OF THE RELATIVELY SANER TROLLS.  
CG: PLEASE GOG TELL ME I WAS RIGHT.  
CG: TELL ME YOU HAVEN'T SUCCUMBED.  
GA: Succumbed To What  
GA: I Haven't Succumbed To Anything  
GA: What Are You Talking About  
CG: OKAY *PHEW*  
CG: YOU HAVEN'T BEEN CAUGHT UP IN IT  
CG: COOL GOOD TO KNOW YOU HAVEN'T GONE SH*THIVE MAGGOTS LIKE THE REST OF US.  
GA: Again I Must Ask  
GA: What Are You Talking About  
GA: What Is 'It'  
CG: NOTHING DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT  
GA: Youve Just Guaranteed That I Am Going To Start Worrying About It Immediately  
GA: Look See Here I Go Causing A Fuss About This  
GA: Ms Fussy Fangs Thats What I Am  
GA: Anyway That Point Notwithstanding What On Alternia Is Going On  
CG: SO YOU REALLY HAVEN'T HEARD ANYTHING ABOUT IT?  
GA: No I Had I Was Just Pretending  
CG: OKAY WELL AT LEAST YOU'VE BEEN WORKING ON YOUR SARCASM WHILE EVERYBODY ELSE FLIPS THEIR F*CKING LIDS OVER THIS.  
GA: I Grow Tired Of Asking What 'This' Is  
GA: Perhaps I Should Inquire At Another Source  
GA: Oh Look A Memo  
GA: Maybe It Will Prove More Useful Than You  
CG: WAIT KANAYA WHAT IS IT CALLED  
CG: KANAYA  
GA: W1Z4RD RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN  
CG: ???  
CG: DID TEREZI STEAL YOUR LAPTOP?  
GA: No That's What It's Called  
CG: OH RIGHT YEAH  
CG: DON'T GO INTO THAT MEMO  
CG: IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU

\-- grim Auxilliatrix [GA] ceased being trolled by carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

 

CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board W1Z4RD RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN.

CGC: OK4Y GUYS SO  
CGC: OBV1OUSLY SOM3TH1NGS UP  
CGC: WH1CH MUST B3 D34LT W1TH BY TH3 RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN M3MO P4TROL  
CGC: TH4T 1 H4V3 R3PURPOS3D FOR TH3 OCC4S10N >: ]  
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCG: REPURPOSED FOR THE OCCASION??  
CCG: YOU REPLACED 'RUMPUS' WITH 'WIZARD'  
CCG: THAT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING AND IT DOESN'T MAKE THIS ANY MORE LEGITIMATE  
CCG: THIS IS SO DUMB.  
CGC banned CCG from responding to memo.  
CGC: OV1OUSLY TH1S CONC3RNS 4LL OF US  
CGC: GRUMPY NUBBYHORN3D CR4BS NOTW1THST4ND1NG OF COURS3  
CGC: DO3S ANYBODY H4V3 4NY SUGG3ST1ONS  
CURRENT grimAuxilliatrix [GA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGA: I Have A Question  
CGA: Is That Alright  
CGC: OF COURS3 >8D  
CGA: I Was Wondering What Was Going On  
CGA: Everybody Seems So Worked Up About This  
CGA: Whatever This Is  
CGA: I Thought I Might Investigate  
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCG: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO  
CGC banned CCG from responding to memo.  
CURRENT twinArmaggedons [CTA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTA: you ju2t 2aw wiizard iin the tiitle diidnt you  
CGA: Yes  
CTA: hehehe  
CGC: YOUR QU3ST1ONS 4R3 4PPR3C1AT3D 4ND W1LL NOT GO UN4NSW3R3D  
CGC: 4LTHOUGH HON3STLY 1M SURPR1S3D YOU D1DNT KNOW 4LR34DY  
CGC: 1 GOT 4 L3TT3R  
CGA: A Letter  
CGC: Y34H 4 L3TT3R!!!  
CGA: From Whom  
CGA: Wait  
CGA: How Is That Even Possible  
CGC: 1 KNOW R1GHT!!!  
CGC: SO M4NY QU3ST1ONS!!!  
CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CAG: Ooooooooh Pleeeeeeeease Kanaya, tell me you don't believe her!  
CAG: This is soooooooo duuuuuuuumb.  
CGC: >: [  
CAG: Don't make that f8ce at me, just because IIIIIIII'm the only one who's seen through your little h8 g8mes.  
CGA: I Feel Like Im Interrupting An Important Conflict  
CGC: VR1SK4 B3 COOL TH1S 1S 4CTU4LLY 4 TH1NG!  
CGC: 4ND 1TS EXC1T1NG!!  
CURRENT cuttlefishCuller [CCC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCC: i second that motion!!! glub glub glub!!!!  
CGA: Could We Please Get To The Part Of The Conversation Where I Understand Whats Going On  
CURRENT arsenicCatnip [AC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CAC: :33::::/  
CGC: 1M NOT M4K1NG TH1S UP WHY WOULD 1 DO TH4T  
CAG: I'm watching you, Pyrope.  
CAG: 8888)  
CGC: >:0  
CGA: Okay Lets Calm Down Here  
CGA: Fussy Fangs To The Rescue  
CGA: How Did The Letter Arrive  
CAC: :33; ]  
CCC: i have a letter too!!!!  
CCC: oh gosh this is ---EXTR-----EMELY ----EXCITING!!!!!!  
CURRENT caligulousAquarium [CCA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCA: wwhats all this hullaballoo  
CCC: eridan check your trollian!!!  
CCA: wwhat the flamin heck is this  
CCA: wwizards are fake though  
CCA: right  
CCC: apparently not!!!  
CCA: oh  
CCA: oh gog wwoww  
CCA: this is pretty f*ckin huge eh fef  
CCC: id say so!!! glubglubglubglubglub!!!  
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCG: YOU ARE ALL OF YOU COMPLETELY OFF THE F*CKING HANDLE.  
CCG: WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR THINK PANS??  
CCG: ITS THOSE HUMANS ISN'T IT THEY'VE GOTTEN TO YOU  
CCG: DON'T LET THEM WIN!!!  
CCG: WAIT WOW SHE EVEN SENT ONE TO ME  
CCG: THEY MUST FINALLY BE FIGHTING BACK...  
CGA: I Have Just Talked To Rose  
CGA: I Mean  
CGA: TentacleTherapist  
CGA: She Says That Each Of The Humans Received One Also  
CGA: And That Due To The Absurd Nature Of The Game She Was Required To Send Our Copies Through Pesterchum  
CGA: She Said Something About A Crossover  
CGA: Of Timelines I Assume  
CGA: Or Some Other Such Nonsense  
CGA: So Anyway Yeah Thats Pretty Much That  
CGC: SO WH4T DO W3 DO W1TH TH3 L3TT3RS?  
CGC: >: ?  
CURRENT centaursTesticle [CCT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCT: D--> What is going on here?  
CCG: OH GOD  
CAC: :33 What is this Hogwarts  
CCT: D--> Some sort of highb100d academy  
FUTURE apocalypseArisen [FAA] responded to memo.  
FAA: no actually everyone got one!!!  
FAA: including my past self  
FAA: but she doesn't want to go  
FAA: so ill go instead!!  
FAA: shed just be dead weight anyway :D  
CTA: oh my jegu2 f*ckiing chrii2t aa  
CTA: your pun2 are woeful  
FAA: oh sollux youre killing me!  
CTA: ...  
CGC: >:/  
FAA: sollux are you okay oh god sorry  
CGC: D1SR3G4RD1NG TH4T L1TTL3 SL1P UP  
CGC: 1 TH1NK W3 OUGHT TO B3 CONS1D3R1NG TH3 FUTUR3  
CURRENT terminallyCapricious [CTC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTC: Aw YeAh BrO lEtS kIcK tHiS mOtHeRf*cKiNg HoOfBeAsT iN tHe FaCe  
CGC: >:?  
CCG: GAMZEE WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT  
CTC: I dOnT kNoW mAn DoNt AsK mE :0)  
CTC: So WhAtS tHiS mOtHeRf*cKiNg HoGwArTs PlAcE aNywWaY  
CTC: SoUnDs BiTcHtItS wIcKeD iF yOu AsK mE  
CCG: WE KNOW  
CCG: EVERYTHING SOUND BITCHTITS WICKED TO YOU  
CCG: THAT IS WHY NOBODY ASKS  
CTC: Aw YeAh BrO :0)  
CURRENT adiosToreador [CAT] responded to memo.  
CAT: uHHH,  
CAT: i DONT KNOW WHAT hOGWARTS IS,,,  
CAT: bUT IT SOUNDS LIKE IT MIGHT BE FUN, i GUESS  
CAT: i LIKE MAGIC,  
CAG: Yaaaaaaaawn!  
CAG: Magic is for little gru8s.  
CGA: According To My Sources There Is Such Thing As Dark Magic So  
CGA: Maybe Thats More Your Speed  
CAG: Hmmmmmmmm........  
CCA: so wwhen do wwe go to f*ckin wwizard school  
CGA: I Dont Know  
CGA: All Rose Is Saying Is  
CGA: 'In Time'  
FAA: she means that im going to take you!  
FAA: im going to send a link  
FAA: click on it youll get there  
FAA: this is going to be so much fun  
FAA: i cant wait to see all of you!!!  
FAA: oh yes and by the way  
FAA: were diverting from the alpha timeline so  
FAA: you may get a whole lot of memories you dont remember having  
FAA: and other things  
FAA: :/  
FAA: anyway good luck!  
FAA: http://flooforyou.com/theveil/betatrolls  
FAA: see you soon!  
CGC: UM S33 YOU GUYS 1 GU3SS  
CGC: COM3 B4CK 1F TH1S 1S B4LON3Y  
CGC: 1F NOT  
CGC: H4V3 FUN 4T HOGW4RTS WH4T3V3R TH3 F*CK TH4T 1S  
CGC: >; ]

CGC closed memo.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You stare at the memo board. This is completely ridiculous. There is no way you're going to click that link. It's impossible, okay? All of this is impossible. What the f*ck is a wizard school anyway, who would believe such a thing? Obviously your brain dead friends, that's who. Well, they can believe whoever they want to believe, because you sure as hell aren't clicking that link and going to Hogwarts, whatever the f*ck that is. It sounds like it's made up and everything, there is no way that this can be  
Yeah, you pretty much click the link straight away.

~PCHOOOOOOOO~

**Author's Note:**

> I'm hoping to turn this into a series, but keep in mind that the timeline divergence will affect what the characters remember- they're being taken from their positions at around the beginning of Act Five Act Two, but they'll know what happens in the alpha timeline because of science and magic, I suppose. I'm still fine-tuning the concept. Here's hoping that you liked it, and that the next one makes more sense! Hurrah!


End file.
